Don’t screw your face up like that!

I was at Yoga last night. Ashtanga.

For you neophites out there, it's a dynamic form of yoga that makes your heart race and your muscles lean and defined (like Madonna - that's why I do it).

We had a substitute teacher. I didn't catch her name but she was very beautiful. Her skin was the colour of honey. She also had the really serene vibe of holistic practioners. A vibe I would simply die for. You know: soft skinned and soft spoken, chilled, measured and with purposeful but unhurried movements. No sweat (apparently sweat comes from bound flow - tension and fear and a general feeling of wanting to run away from the situation).

Unfortunately, I'm genetically engineered along the lines of a sewing machine: tatatatatatatatatatatatata. Pause. Tatatatatatatatatatatatatata. Pause. Undo all the stitching, it's crooked. Tatatatatatat.... You get my drift.

She also practiced without a mat.

It turns out she's from Australia and has a wicked sense of humour. She spent most of the class giggling and gaffawing and making fun of people's funny facial expressions as they coerced their bodies into certain asanas (aka poses). (In yoga they have these things called "binds" where you're essentially tying your arms around yourself. If you forget to breathe, your face contorts and you look like you're trying to squeeze out a reluctant fart. Or worse.)

The trick is to close your eyes. Apparently. Harder than you think when you're balancing on one leg. With your chin touching your shin.

That was last night.

Today I'm going to do some running, an abs class and a body pump class. What can I say, I'm having what I call a "whale day" - feeling enormous and blobby - and a bit of cardio helps me sweat out those pesky thoughts. I could do another yoga class instead but I want to burn some calories.

Silly and pointless. But there you go. A minor delinquence in the scheme of things. What's caused it? PMT? Lack of control?

In other words, today I'm in a spiritual bind. Face all screwed up. Desperately trying to strike a pose and hold it for the duration.

When all I need to do is close my eyes and breathe...