Tuesday, 28 July 2009

"I've only got one wrinkle and I'm sitting on it!"

... said Jeanne Calment to a reporter shortly before her death (age 122) in 1997.

I hope this is because either she couldn't count or the wrinkling process somehow reverses when you pass 1oo... otherwise, I have to contemplate the fact that I have more wrinkles in my 30's than a 122 year old.

Or maybe it was a quip on her part.

I don't know about you, but my sense of humour (which is tenuous at the best of times) completely disappears when it comes to signs of ageing. The occasional silver hair, the first wrinkles around the eyes, fine lines around the mouth, age spots, general sagging... and that's just on the head!

I know, they sell miracle creams and there's Botox, or even facelifts for the foolhardy. But that all costs money. The credit crunch solution is to avoid all mirrors or reflective surfaces (and don't be tempted to take a peak in the side view mirrors!) and photographs (of yourself - obviously - not all photographs) - unless the lights are dimmed and there's a smear of Vaseline on the lense.

Then there's the difference between the stuff you know and expect from reading up on it in girlie mags --- you know, the articles that say: in your 20's., in your 30's, in your 40's, in your 50's... I remember seeig those in my early 20's and not even bothering with them. Then in my late 20's I started to read up what might happen in my 30's. Now, I can't bear to read about what might happen to me in my 40's let alone my 50's! (Apparently your earlobes and tip of your nose start sagging...)

--- and the stuff that takes you by complete surprise. Did you know that from your 30's onwards, if you go on a diet, your face falls off? Literally. One of the first things to go is the layer fat in the lower part of your face that keeps things looking plump and youthful. So you have to choose: nice bottom and flat belly or nice face. I'd rather have Nigella Lawson's face - wouldn't you? (Alternatively, you can have fat sucked out of your bottom belly and thighs and injected back in your face. I'd still rather look like Nigella.)

So until gene therapy comes to the rescue, I think I'll be sticking to a sensible diet, peppered with a few treats, and an endless supply of anti-ageing serum, day and night repair creams, face yoga and low lighting...

Having said that, I'm going to keep my options open: Wokey Hole are advertising for a witch to live in a cave as a tourist attraction (cackling is a must) and they're paying £50,000 a year.
Skinny and rich... just like Wallis Simpson, the Duchess of Windsor ordered.

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